Kali Uchis and Harry Styles on repeat as I ruminate over the aimlessness of my own existence. In rare times of lucidity, I become completely aware of the consumerism I partake in and how sometimes it’s the only thing that fills me.

Which, of course, is oxymoronic—because the whole problem with consumerism is that enough is never enough.

Full of my own sick, sitting in a bed that is abysmally untidy, I recognize that if I stay on this path, I won’t have anything to show for it within the next few years.

Who do I want to be?
What am I good at?
Do I even have the ability to retain skills at this point?

I’m scared—anxious to find my next show, another good book, some new clothes to buy so I can disassociate from the pain I’m in regularly. The knowledge that I do nothing, know nothing, and that I might not even want to do better for myself sits heavy.

I’ve always been attracted to people who have a path. It fascinates me—the drive, the passion, the clarity. A stark contrast to my own inertia, leaving me grappling with an unshakable sense of inadequacy.

I continuously try to live vicariously through their eyes, their lips, their hips. Their achievements are mine, their drive is mine.

But finally, I am by myself. Holed up in my bed, continuously coughing up my own sick, realizing that it’s simply not enough to absorb somebody else’s existence.

I want to live my own.

I crave experiences that ignite something within me, moments that feel genuine and transformative. But I’m scared—deathly scared—because the only thing I know for sure is that the only thing I’ve put my 10,000 hours toward is consuming other people’s vision.

What if I have none of my own?

This fear festers, echoing in the quiet moments when I’m left alone with my thoughts, drowning out the music.

I guess we all have to start somewhere. Right?

If only I could summon that initial spark—the courage to break free from this tedious cycle of consumption and find a path that feels true to me, one where I can finally create rather than absorb.

Perhaps the journey toward self-discovery begins with the first small step. But the weight of my hesitation feels overwhelming, an anchor holding me down in a sea of uncertainty.

-Nov 24 2024